I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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