Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
