I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
