First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize