It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
