Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
