its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
