Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize