i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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