shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
