Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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