she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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