Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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