i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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