Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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