My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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