Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
