Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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