i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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