I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
