I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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