The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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