I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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