dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
