she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
