There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
