my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
we're so committed to being not committed
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
