Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
