I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
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