at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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