i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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