you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
