i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
