I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
