Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
