Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
