no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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