Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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