i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
