i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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