absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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