i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
