arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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