are you still at the devil's house?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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