He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
