why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
