And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
