and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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