I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
