you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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