Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
