I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
