the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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