i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
