that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
