My nipple is on Facebook.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
