My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
