ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize